Why?
by Kinktastic Snazz
Summary: Major OOC. Violence. Abuse. JJRyo. DeeRyo It's very complicated when things go bad isn't it?
1. Another Day, Another Night

Disclaimer: I don't own 'em. Oh well. Maybe it's for the best.  
A.N.: I'm such a sucker for the ones who always try to get something, but they can never have it. Would you believe I've never seen the series? Or read it? My masterful way of writing stories about stuff I never see. Tada! And because of that eason, some of the stuff I say may not be in FAKE. So what!?!?!?!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I knew that I would never ever have him. But, no matter how much that fact hurt, I was determined. Some people even told me that I try too hard. Can you believe that? Try too hard my ass.  
  
"Yo, JJ?! You workin' or lounging?" Someone yelled to me from the front. I was busy, or supposedly busy with a bunch of files. "Yes!" "You besta be you slacker!" I wasn't actually a slacker, I just seemed to be since I was always busy chasing Dee around. But I couldn't help it!  
  
I heard myself sigh and I returned to work. It wasn't long until I heard someone in the front greet Dee.  
  
"Good mornin' Dee."  
  
I squealed and ran out of the storage room, promptly launching myself into his arms. "Dee-sempai!"  
  
I heard him grunt and he pushed at me, managing to loosen my hold on his neck. "Will you ever stop?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Hn."  
  
Ryo was standing next to him, smiling. That bastard, he only smiled cause he knew I would never get Dee, I bet.   
  
"Good morning to you JJ." He said, heading straight to his desk.  
  
Dee's mouth fell open as if to say something, but nothing came out, instead he just glared at me and shoved me to the side, heading after Ryo. Every morning it was similar to this, every now and then though he would discreetly return my embrace, squeezing softly at my sides. But not today. I wrinkled up my nose, something must be up with him and Ryo.  
  
"Cute kid." One of the other officers said to me, possibly a newbie.   
  
I smiled, "Thank you." I always liked to recieve compliments from either men or women. I may have a small ego, so what?  
  
I headed after Dee, curious to know why exactly he was in a pissy mood. When I got to Ryo's desk they were both in a heated argument, not yelling to attract attention, but snapping at each other. Morons.  
  
"Hello!"  
  
Ryo turned to me, the red in his face disappearing. "Yes?" Dee on the other hand slammed his fist into the table and walked towards me. He grabbed the lapels of my jacket lifting me up. "Can't you see that we are busy?"   
  
I shook my head, "You don't seem very busy."   
  
He shoved me outside the cubicle.   
  
"Leave."   
  
"But.."   
  
"Now!" Well, fine then, have it your way you prick. I huffed and turned away, my heart aching a little. Another detective spotted me, I guess with that deflated look of hoplessness in my eyes. "Don't worry about it kid."  
  
I tried smiling, it never really reached my eyes though. "You're right."  
  
"Kid..."  
  
"Yep, guess I better get back to work on those files, huh?"  
  
"You do-"  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"K-"  
  
I left then, not wanting to hear what he had to say. Another day. Another day.  
  
  
****  
  
  
"Have a good evening JJ."  
  
"As to you sir."  
  
I shifted the stack of papers in my arms, wincing as the edge of the notebook at the bottom dug painfully into my wrist. Another night to spend alone.  
  
"Need some help JJ?"  
  
Dammit.   
  
"No thank you Ryo-sempai. I have it."  
  
"But, I want to help." He felt him take the upper half of the files, the notebook now resting comfortably on my wrist.   
  
"I said you didn't have to."  
  
"Don't worry about it JJ."  
  
We walked out of the building in silence, only the sound of our shoes clacking against the floor.  
  
"So, where's your car?" He asked once we reached the parking lot.   
  
"I..I rode the bus."  
  
"The bus?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"That won't do. Here, come with me, I'll drop you off."  
  
"But..Dee-sempai.."  
  
"He won't mind." Why was he so nice to me when he knew that I wanted to steal his lover? It made me wary. But Ryo was so nice, I guess I never really expected him to hurt me.  
  
"Here we are." He unlocked his car and shoved the stuff he had into the backseat, then he took what I had and shoved it in too. "Get in." I nodded and slid next to my stuff, closing the door softly.  
  
It smelled of aftershave. Both Ryo's and Dee's. It smelled, nice.  
  
He got into the driver's seat, starting the car, then resting his arm on the headrest of the passenger's side as he waited for Dee.   
  
"Ryo-sempai?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"I'm sorry." Dammit, I was staring to fidget.  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For liking Dee-sempai."   
  
I saw him tense and there was a strain in his voice when he spoke, "Don't worry about it."  
  
"But-"  
  
"Dee!"  
  
The passenger side door opened and Dee poked his head in, obviously not noticing me. "Ryo..are you sure?"  
  
Ryo nodded, "Just get in."  
  
Then he noticed me, sitting idly in the back of his lover's car. Oh, the nastiest glare was shot at me and the corner of his mouth curled up in a growl. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Dee..I'm going to drop him off."  
  
Ryo patted Dee's arm and tugged him to a sitting position. "That better be the only thing he's gonna do."  
  
I winced, this was not the best situation I've ever been in. The drive was much too long and much too tense. When we finally stopped in front of my apartment complex, I practically leaped out.  
  
"Th..Thank you Ryo-sempai." I grabbed my crap hurridly, feeling the glare coming from Dee.  
  
"Want some help?"  
  
"Oh! No!" That came out a little to harsh. "But, thank you anyway."  
  
He came around to my side and grabbed my stuff, again. "I'll do it anyway."  
  
"......."  
  
"Come on."  
  
That pissed Dee off and he got out. "I'm coming too."  
  
"Why don't you stay Dee?"  
  
"Because.." Dee-sempai's voice began to rise.  
  
I hurried to the door, hoping to God that they didn't make a spectacle of themselves. I waited patiently by the elevator for them.  
  
Ryo came in first, his mouth pressed into a tight line. Then Dee, his fist clenched so tightly that his whole hand was white.  
  
"Ano..I can go from here Ryo-sempai." I smiled softly, hoping that he would relent. "Nonsense. I'll go all the way." I blushed, my perverted mind at work. I guess Dee noticed, because I felt a sharp slap at the back of my head when Ryo had turned to get into the elevator.  
  
"Get your mind out of the gutter JJ." Oh such venom was laced into those words.  
  
"G..gomen."  
  
I scurried on with Ryo, watching Dee follow, standing shoulder to shoulder with Ryo, blocking me out behind him. This was so not going well.  
  
Ryo turned to me. his body at a slight angle. "Nice place you stay in JJ."  
  
"Thank you."   
  
"So, who gave you all this work?" He gestured to the stuff we were holding.   
  
"Oh! The boss."  
  
"What a sad, sad man."  
  
I smiled and nodded. "Yes, not EVERYONE is a workaholic."  
  
"My thoughts exactly."  
  
Dee just shrugged, watching the glowing numbers rise slowly. When the elevator stopped he quickly got off, waiting for Ryo and I to come. Ryo stepped aside to let me pass, smiling at me when I did.  
  
I dug my key out of my pocket and jammed it into my apartment's lock. I reached to flick the switch the light on, flinching at the horrible mess in my room.  
  
"My God....." Ryo whispered his eyes traveling over the mess.  
  
"Heh...yeah...I haven't really been expecting to clean."  
  
"That or you really haven't expected to have an visitors."  
  
I blushed and rubbed the back of my head, "Yeah...that too."  
  
Dee raised an eyebrow and sank into my couch, throwing his arms over the back. "Heh."  
  
I grabbed my stuff from Ryo and put it where I had put my pile, "Um..would you like to stay for a little while?"  
  
"We really should be going."   
  
"Please stay, have some dinner." I did my puppy-dog look on Ryo, and watched in delight as he relented. "I guess so."  
  
"Thank you. I'll order out." I heard Dee snort and put his arm around Ryo as he sat down. Ouch. How I wish that I could be in his plce, having Dee smile at me instead of sneer. To watch his eyes glow with happiness instead of glaring. Maybe, in another lifetime. But can I really wait that long?  
  
******  
  
  
  
Not too long after I placed the order we are sitting on the floor eating around my small table. I watch, fascinated as Dee repeatedly digs his chopsticks into the meat, and I watch with utter adoration as he slips them into his mouth. Oh! Am I drooling? Quite possibly so. He casts me a sideways glance, as nasty as ever, and all hope in me washes away. I hear myself sigh, a little too loudly and Ryo-sempai looks up from his noodles.   
  
"Are you alright?"  
  
"Yes. Just a little, tired."  
  
"Then we should hurry Dee. So little JJ can get his rest."  
  
"Little?" I sputter, choking on my vegetables.  
  
Ryo smiles at me, "Of course."  
  
"I resent that."  
  
"And I resent you." Dee mutters, standing.  
  
"Dee! That was rude."  
  
"Well, it's true. This little ploy of his."  
  
I stand, dropping my chopsticks, "What ploy?!"  
  
"This one obviously."  
  
"It's not a ploy! I'm trying to be nice! I'm trying to be friends with Ryo-sempai! And you! But, all I ever get is resentment, and I'm tired of it!!  
  
Ryo reaches out for me, but I pull back, "I've had it! All people think is that I'm trying to get you in bed with me, but I'm not! I, just, wanna..be.....friends?" A question because I know I really want to be more than to be friends with Dee.... I collapse, burying my head in my hands.  
  
"Let's get out of here Ryo."  
  
Soemone kneels next to me and caresses my back with a hand. "JJ...."  
  
"Ryo!"  
  
"Coming Dee." The warmth leaves me and I hear the door slam not too far behind. Why me?   
  
I sigh, rubbing my face. Might as well sleep, everything goes away when you sleep. So I clean quickly and head to my bedroom, dropping onto the mattress, not bothering to take my clothes off. Why did I try o hard? Was it really necessary to try and reach out for something I would never get?  
  
  
  
  
  
TBC?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Ron: Dudes and dudettes wo have read this...please review and tell me if I should continue..as you know it was my first attempt, never having seen or read the series. I just gather information from places and try my hand at it, so please tell me. Casue if not then I'll cancel the rest of the chapters. 


	2. Work

Disclaimer: Don't own FAKE.  
  
[A.N.: OMG. It's been so long since I've written here. I had kinda given up when I wrote a rough draft of the second chapter and everything went down the drain. ::flush:: But! Now I'm back, and I've seen the movie and read four parts of the manga series. And now I'm rarin' to go and planning to write...and maybe Ryo would do better for JJ. Aww, lovely, lovely JJ. -KS-]  
  
The next day fell into a routine. Wake up, shower, dress, light breakfast, and then work. I had a few days to do the paperwork, but I still took some with me to do on the bus and during my lunch hour. Might as well get done what I can when I can.  
  
I took the bus, sitting squished between a business man who seemed to be rather worried about the time and a woman who hiked up her skirt mid-thigh and smiled across to another man sitting in the plastic seats. I clutched the paperwork tighter in my lap, and tried to read the bouncing words but I gave myself a headache instead. Guess it'll have to wait until later.  
  
Neither Dee nor Ryo were at the office, their desks empty. I sat in mine and put the papers down on the desk and clasped my hands over them, thinking over about last night. Dee had been so angry, and Ryo had been nice enough not to become quick tempered about the fact that people knew I wanted Dee in my bed. But that was just a lost hope wasn't it?  
  
People began to file into the station, little snippets of conversation filling the stale air. No Dee. No Ryo. And neither of them were the kind to not have the guts to face someone whom they had had an argument of personal reasons with. Me, on the other hand, was beginning to worry that maybe I shouldn't have bothered to come to work at all.  
  
Slowly the worry began to grow and I twisted a paperclip lying on my desk into different shapes.  
  
"JJ!"  
  
I winced and dropped the paperclip, staring at the bleeding from where I had accidentally stabbed myself. Ouch. I pressed my mouth to my palm and turned in my chair, watching as Rose sauntered over to me. Ooh, you just think that you're so sexy and perfect? Bastard.  
  
"Yes, sir?"  
  
"Have you seen Dee and Ryo?"  
  
"Uh, no sir. Not since yesterday."  
  
"Ah, well, Ryo's late. And I was worried that maybe that idiot Laytner did something to him."  
  
Idiot?!  
  
"Anyway, will you inform me the moment that they come in? I need to speak with Ryo about something."  
  
Filthy pervert. "Yes, sir."  
  
I turned back to my desk and pulled a tissue from the box in one of my drawers, using it to staunch the flow of blood.  
  
"Good morning JJ."  
  
Ryo!  
  
I turned again and looked up at Ryo. He looked. He looked. I felt the tears burn in my eyes and I looked away from him.  
  
"JJ?"  
  
"Oh, oh, good morning Ryo."  
  
"JJ," he sat down in his chair, taking off his jacket and draping it across the back, "about last night...Dee, Dee was cranky. He didn't mean what he said, and he wants to apologize."  
  
"Oh, he didn't? Well, then I'll expect an apology from him later today."  
  
Ryo flinched and chewed lightly on his bottom lip. "Yes, yes..."  
  
"Oh, and Rose wants to see you in his office."  
  
He groaned and ran his fingers through his hair. "Could you go for me? I don't feel like having to deal with any of his...well him."  
  
"I...of course...uh..." I stood up from my desk and dropped the tissue into the trashcan. "Yeah. I'll go."  
  
He smiled and my stomach flipped.  
  
Oh my.  
  
******  
  
"Ah...excuse me, sir?"  
  
Rose looked up from his desk and frowned. "Is Ryo here?"  
  
"Ah, yes, but he's been stalled at Evidence and wanted me to get the message you had for him."  
  
He rubbed his forehead and sighed. "I don't think that you would fully understand the extent of the message that I have for him."  
  
"Uh...I'm sure that I would."  
  
Something flashed in his eyes that scared me as he stood from his desk and came around to lean against the front of it.  
  
"Would you?"  
  
I kept my hand behind me on the doorknob. "Perhaps, sir..."  
  
He came near me and had me pressed even closer to the door, his hands landing beside my head.  
  
"I don't think that you would JJ."  
  
"Heh...you're right, I probably wouldn't."  
  
"But, you could deliver a different message to him."  
  
"A different message, sir?" My fingers tightened on the cold metal under them.  
  
"Yes," he looked at the fingernails of one of his hands and then turned back to look at me, "you see, there's something that you could give to him for me."  
  
"Give to Ryo, sir?"  
  
He nodded and his warm breath got closer to my face, and oh God, I don't want to be kissed by this man. I turned the doorknob as his lips grew closer. Faster, faster.  
  
One of his hands reached out and ran through my hair. "You are so pretty JJ."  
  
I froze. He called me pretty. I couldn't feel his mouth, or his tongue. But I could feel the warm vibe running through my body. He called me pretty. Dee's called me pretty annoying before. Oh. But never pretty.  
  
"You can give that to Ryo, can't you?"  
  
Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.  
  
"Yes, I'm sure you can." He reached behind me and covered my fingers, turning the doorknob and pushing me out. "Good morning."  
  
I stared at the door as it closed, blinking blankly. Pretty.  
  
Ryo appeared, a small smile on his face, and I looked up at him.  
  
"What did he want?"  
  
"He wanted to give you something."  
  
He looked puzzled. "What?"  
  
I reached up and curled my hand around his neck and brought his mouth down to mine. Ryo was very pretty too. And I gave him the message, using my tongue to open his mouth and slide in, pressing so much closer.  
  
I heard Ryo, somewhere in my cotton-filled brain. And, and, was he enjoying this? Strong hands pushed at my stomach and moved me away. Ryo looked sad, surprised, and angry at the same time.  
  
"Ryo..."  
  
"What are you trying to do JJ?" His voice was a harsh whisper and he reached out to grip my arm tightly. Bruisingly tight.  
  
"I'm, I'm just giving you the message Ryo..." I was not going to cry anymore in front of this man. "I'm just doing what I'm told because that seems to be the only thing that I'm useful for."  
  
He frowned, "Rose gave you that message?"  
  
I nodded, "He called me pretty too."  
  
That sad look came back and he hugged me, and shouldn't he be worried about Dee seeing us?  
  
"Oh, JJ..."  
  
"Ryo...I'm sorry."  
  
"For what JJ?"  
  
"For, for being me. And loving Dee. And..."  
  
"Wait, wait, wait. You love Dee?"  
  
"For such a long time. But..."  
  
"How come you never told me? Or him?"  
  
"Ryo he loves you, can't you see that? I couldn't ever tell him."  
  
He hugged me tighter. "I don't want you to go into Berkley's office ever again. Ok?"  
  
"Ok."  
  
"Maybe you should just go home."  
  
"No! No..." I pushed away from him and shook my head vigorously. "As an officer of the law it is my duty to stay at work to help people!"  
  
He sighed and smiled softly, stroking his hand over my ear. "Oh, JJ."  
  
I stopped myself from moving into his hand and jerked away. "I have paperwork to do, so if you would please Ryo..."  
  
He shook his head. "I want you to go home JJ."  
  
"I don't want to go home!"  
  
He covered my mouth with his hand and backed me into a corner, covering me with his body. I closed my eyes and breathed in, inhaling his cologne.  
  
I pushed his hand away. "Ryo, let me go back to work."  
  
He shook his head and leaned in a little closer, his mouth near mine. "Go home."  
  
I blinked.  
  
"Ryo?"  
  
He kissed me then, soft and gentle.  
  
"Go home JJ."  
  
I clutched the back of his jacket, sliding one of my hands underneath it to touch the silk of his shirt.  
  
"Ryo-sempai..."  
  
"What the hell are you two doing?!"  
  
We both turned to look at who yelled.  
  
Dee.  
  
Oh dammit.  
  
. 


	3. Bye for how long?

Disclaimer: YATTA!! Look at all those reviews for only two chapters. ::tears:: THANK YOU SO MUCH!! ::dies of joy:: This is sooo cool. -K.S.-  
  
I pushed Ryo away from me, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. Why is everything going so wrong?!  
  
"Dee."  
  
Dee glared, eyebrows drawn in together in such a mean look.  
  
I'm sorry.  
  
I closed my eyes and counted to ten in my head, don't cry in public Adams. That would be so stupid, everyone already knows you're weak, why let them think it more often? I opened my eyes, relieved to find them dry of any tears.  
  
Ryo adjusted his vest and smiled gently at me before turning to face Dee.  
  
"Dee..."  
  
"Ryo, you of all people. With your holy than thou, don't touch me there, let's not go any further...I would have expected something better from you."  
  
I saw Ryo's shoulders tense and I sighed, this was all my fault. How does this always happen? I curled my arms around my waist, I felt so sick now.  
  
"Ryo-sempai."  
  
Dee huffed and ran his hands through his hair, "We can talk about this later Ryo. As for you JJ."  
  
Oops.  
  
He came closer, Ryo the only thing stopping him from coming any closer.   
  
"I want you to stay away from Ryo, I don't want to see you near him. Nowhere near him. Do you understand?"  
  
I flinched and nodded.  
  
Dee grabbed hold of Ryo's arm and pulled him away with him.  
  
I slumped against the wall, rubbing the ache that was starting in my forehead. I'm tired.   
  
Of everything.  
  
******  
  
I was sleeping that night, curled under the covers of my bed, when the phone rang. I reached over to answer it, accidentally knocking it off the hook before I finally got it to my ear.  
  
"...mmm, 'ello?"  
  
"Hey, JJ."  
  
I sat up in bed, rubbing the sleep out of my ears. "Ryo?"  
  
"Yeah..uh...look, can you get out here and open your door?"  
  
"My door?"  
  
"Please JJ."  
  
I swung my legs over the side of my bed, putting the phone down on the bed. I made my way through my dark apartment, manuvering through it easily. I peeked through the peephole.  
  
Ryo-sempai?  
  
I undid the chain and the two locks, pulling the door open.  
  
"Ryo...what are you doing..."  
  
He turned to face me and oh God it hurt.  
  
"Ryo..."  
  
"JJ."  
  
He made a move to come inside the apartment, stumbling a little. I put my arms out to catch him, supporting his weight.  
  
"JJ..." And he started to cry.  
  
Now what?  
  
I closed my eyes and tried to make myself smile. "Come on Ryo, let's sit you down, you'll be ok."  
  
I helped him over to my couch, setting him down. He put out on arm on the armrest to lower himself in, eyes closer and mouth drawn down in sadness in pain.  
  
"Let me go get you something."  
  
He nodded.  
  
I made my way through the kitchen, opening the fridge and pulling out the ice pack that I had in there for whenever I got my headaches. I turned to the sink, running warm water over the pack so that it wouldn't be so cold, and then wrapped it in a towel.   
  
When I turned back around I dropped the pack with a squeak.  
  
"You scared me Ryo."  
  
And then there he was, in my face, mouth against mine. And angry bruise there as well.  
  
Oh Ryo.   
  
I reached up and touched the side of his face gently, brushing against the tender skin, moving back up to his ear. He moved away and pressed his forehead to mine.  
  
"JJ."  
  
"Ryo, I'm sorry. If I hadn't done what I did, this wouldn't have happened. I feel so bad. I didn't mean it to be my fault."  
  
"I know JJ. But it was partly me too."  
  
I closed my eyes, feeling the swollen skin under my fingertips again. Oh Ryo, I'm so sorry. Sorry. Sorry.  
  
He brought hands up to the back of my neck, cupping softly, thumbs brushing against that spot behind my ears. I shuddered.  
  
"Ryo."  
  
"JJ please."  
  
How can you deny someone who asks so nicely?  
  
I felt his tongue against my lips, against my bottom lip.  
  
So beautiful.  
  
I opened my mouth to him, not knowing that then I was opening a lot more than I probably wanted to.  
  
******  
  
In my entire life, I've never woken up to the smell of coffee.  
  
I rolled over in my bed, tucking my hands under my pillow and inhaled. I didn't even know I had coffee. Ryo must have found it.  
  
I smiled.  
  
Ryo.  
  
I opened my eyes, watching the shadows dance across the rooms as birds flew near the window. The sounds of car horns and the quiet hum rose from the streets.  
  
I forced myself to get up, stretching.   
  
Ow.  
  
My back popped and I rubbed the sore muscle.  
  
I got dressed quickly, heading into the kitchen.  
  
Ryo was sitting there on one of the barstools, newspaper opened in front of him, a steaming cup of coffee near is hand.  
  
I sighed and leaned against the doorframe.  
  
Oh so pretty.  
  
"Come eat JJ."  
  
I jumped. "I, I didn't even know you saw me."  
  
"I heard you, come eat."  
  
"Ok."  
  
I padded over to the fridge, opening it to see what I had.   
  
Nothing.  
  
Nothing. I laughed. Nothing.  
  
"JJ?"  
  
"It's nothing." I laughed again. Really, it WAS nothing.  
  
I turned to face Ryo, spinning on my heels. "Want to go out for breakfast?"  
  
Ryo smiled.  
  
******  
  
Breakfast was nice, pancakes and eggs at a nearby restuarant. I could see the people looking at Ryo's face, and I think that they could tell that it wasn't me who had done it. He was too calm, to happy with me.   
  
I would never do that to Ryo.  
  
Ever.  
  
We left the restaurant a little after nine, heading back out onto the sidewalk.  
  
"Ryo...what, what are you gonna tell Dee?"  
  
His eyes grew colder. "Nothing. He doesn't deserve an explanation."  
  
"Oh."  
  
He smiled at me and brushed his mouth against my forehead, smoothing my hair to the sides.  
  
"Bye JJ."  
  
"Bye..."  
  
I watched him take off down the street.  
  
Bye Ryo.  
  
I fiddled with the sleeves of my sweater, Ryo.  
  
Bye Ryo.  
  
Bye.  
  
Ryo.  
  
Bye for how long Ryo?  
  
I sighed and looked up at the sky, watching the birds.   
  
Bye for how long?  
  
TBC 


	4. Let's think about it

[A.N. - Egads! This story is one of my better ones, but it's progressing so slow! I just keep running out of ideas. Wah. Also! I've recieved a lot of reviews that say that the characters are OOC, majorly. I meant for it to be that way, but I guess I should have said something at some point. So I'm saying it now. THE CHARACTERS ARE OOC! ~K.S.~]  
  
~Ryo's P.O.V.~  
  
The stereo was on when I unlocked the door to my apartment, some piano music that I'm sure was mine was playing loud and clear. I put down the keys on the coffee table and looked around.  
  
No Dee.  
  
I put my hand on my hip and rubbed the back of my head. Where the hell was he?  
  
I decided to get a change of clothes before I left to find myself a hotel room. I wasn't going to bother with kicking Dee out, it would just lead to another fight and he would end up not budging. I opened the door to the bedroom, peeking around it to do a quick scan of the room.  
  
Nothing.  
  
Again.  
  
I tried to squash the nervousness that rose up into my stomach and proceeded to dig out a pair of jeans from my overcrowded dresser. I threw them onto the bed and opened a different drawer to get out a shirt. I didn't bother to get nicer clothes for work, if I needed I could always just buy an outfit.  
  
I put the clothes in a duffel bag and stared down at it.  
  
I knew what JJ had been thinking about when I was leaving.  
  
When was I going to go back?  
  
I knew that staying with Dee would be unhealthy, his jealousy and this new violence he had were intolerable. I fingered the strap of the duffel bag.  
  
JJ would be more than willing to let me stay with him.  
  
But would it seem too intrusive to be spending so much time with him?  
  
I sighed and pulled out more jeans and shirts, grabbing a few pairs of socks and underwear as well. I didn't even know what was going on between me and JJ. I don't know why I did what I did the other day, or last night. I'd never looked at JJ like that, nor had I ever expected to after I realized that I had loved Dee. Had being the keyword.  
  
I zipped up the bag and shouldered it.  
  
JJ would let me stay.  
  
I had never really understood his infatuation with Dee, and sometimes it was hard to tell whether he wanted to sleep with Dee or "be" with Dee. He was a big ball of so many different emotions, and the worst feelings were hidden in his cheery demeanor. I remember ignoring all the times that he had been sad when Dee had brushed him off. The sadness didn't stay long, or maybe it did and JJ just hid it well. But he was persistant.  
  
So why was he with me?  
  
Is he even with me?  
  
I rubbed my temples and groaned. Dammit.  
  
Then I started to think about Dee.  
  
My beautiful Dee has fallen.  
  
I sighed and cupped my chin in my hand. I love Dee, I think. Loved perhaps fitting better. But it was Dee, I couldn't just abandon him. With the factor that I still have to go to work and face him. I think it would hurt too much for me to leave him.  
  
Physically and emotionally.  
  
I tapped my fingers on my mouth.  
  
JJ?  
  
Or Dee?  
  
******  
  
AN - I know this was like, really short. But I couldn't really think of anything to add without it ruining Ryo's little conversation with himself. As for that one guy who reviewed me, Darien or whatever (sorry, I'm too lazy to go find out ._.), I don't really go into description cause I worry a lot about if I'll get to wordy. And as for the single paragraphs. I like the way they express the singular thoughts of the character. I don't want them to be rushed. I like them to realized something. ~KS~ 


	5. Slurred Ideas

~Hi everybody!!!! -KS-~  
  
- - - - - -  
  
I tightened my hand on the glass that I held, glaring at my reflection in the mirror behind the bar.  
  
How could he do this to me?  
  
I ognored the burn of the liquor in my throat, I hadn't drank enough because I could still feel the heartache that Ryo had left me with.  
  
Fuck you Ryo.  
  
I wanted to cry, but not here in this bar, alone maybe. If I had just accepted JJ's advances, would it have gone this far? Maybe if I had just accepted the fact that he had once been enamored with me and if I had just been a little bit nicer, Ryo wouldn't have had to try and be friends. And JJ would have never stolen what was mine.  
  
I swallowed, fuck. I had to do something. I can't let them get away with ruining my life like this.  
  
"Fuck!"  
  
The other patrons of the bar looked up at me, drowsy, drunk confusion in their eyes. How stupid. I felt tired and useless, dammit Ryo. You know very well that I love you.  
  
Smack!  
  
I froze, glass loose in my hands now. Oh. Oh God.  
  
Smack!  
  
No, no, what had I done?! I wouldn't have ruined something so delicate...  
  
Smack!  
  
I gripped my head in my hands. Oh Ryo. I hadn't meant to, but it was all my fault. Ryo. I felt the tears brun in my eyes. I am so sorry Ryo. All the pain was running through my heart and I wanted to die. Ryo. I love you Ryo. Oh, what have I done?  
  
I got up from my stool too fast, it tilted and clattered against the metal footrest running alongside the bottom of the bar. I had to go. I had to find Ryo. I stumbled a bit before I regained my footing. I ran into a few people, ignoring their slurred curses and angry snorts.  
  
Ryo.  
  
Oh my Ryo.  
  
He had to forgive me, if he didn't I would make him.  
  
Oh!  
  
Not that kind of train of thought.  
  
Ryo, you don't deserve what I do to you, but you're the only one who can control me. You have to forgive me, you have to.  
  
No.  
  
You ARE going to forgive me.  
  
TBC 


	6. Big changes

Oh my goodness, you guys can so not kill me for being so slow at this. It's been so long. AH. What a bad excuse. I'm sorry. ~KS~  
  
- - - - - -  
  
I felt wistful as I continued on my way back to my apartment, breakfast with Ryo having been exceptionally nice. I was still touched by a little tendril of fear that came up whenever I thought of Dee. He, he had so much more power than I think either me or Ryo knew. Everyone has the potential to do bad, and apparently this thing between me and Ryo had made him finally realize that. And I was more scared for Ryo than I could ever be for myself.  
  
I kicked at some broken piece of concrete from the sidewalk. It rolled off the side of the curb and hit the metal grating of a storm drain.  
  
Ryo, Ryo, Ryo.  
  
I let myself into my apartment, the cool air nice from the moist heat that was growing outside. I wanted to sit in bed and think about all that had happened the night before.  
  
And then my face turned red.  
  
Preferably before the...um...yeah.  
  
I giggled to myself and straightened out the cover that was on the back of my couch.  
  
I desperately needed to clean and buy groceries for myself and Ryo.  
  
I blinked and stopped the smoothing motion of my hand on the fleece cover. Both of us. Was there even an us? I sounded like so many of the romantically blind women on television. Us.  
  
Us.  
  
Usususususususus.  
  
It lost meaning after awhile, making me confused. Did it really matter if there was an us? When all this time I'd been pining after Dee, Ryo before being my competition. Everything had flipped and it was scaring me. I felt a little lost, a little happy, and all too much scared.  
  
And then work.  
  
I couldn't face Berkeley. There was no way. And then him and Dee in the same building. Knowing what he did to Dee. What Berkeley did to me.  
  
What was I going to do?  
  
******  
  
"Come in."  
  
I inched open the door, closing my eyes a little and giving myself a speech of hope.  
  
"Ah...JJ."  
  
"Yes...uh...Rose.."  
  
I knew what I would see if I looked at his face. A superior grin that I would have to resist the urge in smacking from his face. I didn't need his fuzzy compliments anymore. I kept my eyes pinned on the floor, knowing that it might make me look weak, but as long as I had the strength to say what I was going to that would be fine.  
  
"JJ?"  
  
"Iwantatransfer."  
  
I heard a squeak of leather and he cleared his throat.  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"I. Want. A. Transfer."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"Because I want one." Oh, beautiful reason there Adams. I composed myself a little. "I want a transfer to another station, and I want you to grant me one or else I'll go up and tell them that you sexually assaulted me."  
  
He arched a fine eyebrow over his glasses.  
  
"I will Mr. Rose."  
  
"Fine then, I'll put in for your transfer, but what's your excuse?"  
  
"I've heard others could use a gun expert like me. Some I'm sure will be more than glad to have me on their teams."  
  
He smirked, "You think rather highly of yourself Adams."  
  
I was slightly stunned, what to do now?  
  
"..we'll see, now if you would please excuse yourself I have more important matters to attend to."  
  
More...  
  
Dammit.  
  
I left the office anyway, knowing that I looked all of the weak person I had shown to Berkeley. I glared at my desk. Why was I so stupid? So weak.  
  
But...I had Ryo.  
  
Or at least part of him anyways.  
  
I sat down in the chair, the old cushion squeaking against the springs. It dug into my back almost painfully but I still leaned back. And then it hit me that Berkeley wasn't the only one that I was trying to get away from. It was also Dee...and Ryo. As much as I hated to admit it I was trying to run away from all my problems. But I had good reason. I would neglect my work if I stayed here. It was a cheap excuse, but at least it was one.  
  
I spun a little, kicking my legs against the desk.  
  
This just had to be the right decision.  
  
I can't make anymore mistakes.  
  
- - - - -  
  
TBC 


End file.
